"Greetings Earthling, take me to your honey"

So the aliens are going to land, and the bird flu is going to wipe out the United States. No, this isn't an obscure post, it's true. I went out tonight with family and long standing friends of the family (hell, they are family, just not by blood) and during the course, my mother was in a panic to inform us of the bird flu, and how there will be social isolation, quarantines, yadda yadda yadda (You skipped the best part! No I told you about the bisque). So she wanted to know what plans we had, and if we were preparing, and what supplies we were going to get - I said something about I'd get right on that after we prepared for the aliens landing. The topic of aliens then proceeded to pop up in all coversations quite humorously. Well I found it funny, and so did a few others. I don' t think she appreciated me labeling her paranoia as such.

t minus 3:03:53:00

Woot. Can't wait. Everything is set to arrive Tuesday via UPS. I should fire off an email to my coach and let him know. I'll probably end up not being able to move at all Wednesday, but at least I'll feel good come my court date.

"May I ask you a question Mr Megos?"
"Of course, your honor."
"You seem a bit stiff today. Why is that?"
"I was hacking people apart all last night, your honor."

Battleships

...are quite spiffy actually. They can take (and took) an extraordinary amount of hits before actually sinking. The key to this handy little feature is compartmentalization. Once a penetrating hit is sustained, especially if flooding starts to occur, one simply needs to shut the doors surrounding the damage. What water can pour in, will, but it won't flood the rest of the ship. Hopefully this is not a new concept to the reader. As such, they can take a tremendous beating before enough areas are flooded (or it can't be contained) and the ship goes down. Of course, by the time the ship is finally fatally wounded, it has most certainly been helpless and unmoving for quite some time while under the relentless bombardment of the enemy.

Two things tend to speed this sinking process up. First, an obvious lucky hit that say, detonates a bunch of ammo, fuel, etc causing secondary explosions and fires would do it. The second would be some genius actually opening the sealed hatch and letting it spread. Best just to seal it off and if you can, let the bilge pumps pump - assuming they are available - and just keep on going. Besides, who has time for dry dock anyway?

Speaking of sealing and redirecting, in five days I'll be in court for this stupid CC appearance. Bah blah blah, written instruments vs oral contracts vs who knows what else. I'll be glad when its over with. If I win, it'll be fun to grin at the other side. If I lose - such is life. I can (and will) take the annoyance out on my fencing partner for the night, whoever that may be.

Little things always getcha

This farside is one of my favorites. I just love it.

It also just so happens to illustrate perfectly what I've been staring at for the past ten minutes or so. It seems that a very tiny little spider, no more than 2-3 mm in length, has managed to catch a rather large flying, mosquitoy insect in its web (and I say mosquitoy, because its absolutely enormous). This little spider's feast is easily 10-20 larger. The little guy managed to tangle the mosquito's two legs in its web, and is now running down the web, spinning a few loops around the legs of its prey, and running back up as the doomed bug trashes about. What started off as just 2 legs pinned about a centimeter in length, is now all of its legs wrapped tightly with only about a centimeter left to them. It won't be too much longer until its completely encased.

I should name this little guy and give him some sort medal. Quite an accomplishment. Of course, he's probably done this a hundred times and thinks nothing of it.

A dark day for Megos

The trend started a while back continues on. She was only hurt before, but now is truly dead. I do find it funny pre-CPE I always thought it odd to use words like dead/die/dying/died. Now I find it odd why people use all sorts of phrases to mask what they want to say.

Won't be long before I whither away completely.

No!

Try not.

Do. Or do not.

There is no try.

Close...

"Everyone feels despondent at times and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don't quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich you are trying to bury your head in the sand. But that won't work - you have to face reality.

Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life.

In spite of the fact that you believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, it is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influenceand there is no-one to turn to or rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you will have to make the best of things as they are.

You are presently experiencing excessive stress as a result of self-restraint. You act and think differently from the common herd and you want to be liked and admired for yourself and to associate with people who feel and act as you do. Because of this need to be self-reliant and to break away from mediocrity, you are finding this situation most uncomfortable and you are experiencing considerable anxiety - perhaps even more than you feel the capacity to cope with. You need to find a 'soul mate', someone whose standards are as high as your own - but where? Keep on searching... The situation is uncomfortable and you would like to break away from it, but you refuse to compromise with your opinions. You are unable to resolve the situation because you are continually postponing the making of necessary decisions. You are stubborn but this is no deterrent to a happy life, so why drop your standards. Think positively, everything will work out. It has worked out successfully for you in the past and it will again in the future.

The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are beyond your capabilities, or your reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal inadequacy. Your inability to take control of the situation causes you to over-react in stubborn defiance blaming everyone but yourself for your own failures. "

...but not quite. I'd have to tweak a few things to be perfect but I suppose it's not really possible for it to be dead on. I'd say 4 sentences need to be changed, which would alter them considerably, but like I said, overall it's close.

Hands down the worst part about

a successful CPE is getting to know yourself on the fly. I'm stressed. But more importantly I feel off. Very, very off. Not quite as off as other times, but it's there, and its growing - and its a bit scary. There is a dark, dorminant side that's been slumbering for a long, long time - ten years at least. Apperantly hibernation is over. Probably why its never really gone, just put to sleep. Putting it back to sleep requires some help I think. Getting it will only wake it up again. Catch 22.

The alternative is to let it wake, and make, for the lack of a better word, a mess. A mess that can't quite be undone, and certainly shouldn't be tangled with just because. Yet another conundrum.

And to the peanut gallery, if you don't know exactly what I mean (and I know you don't) don't bother reading into this. Somethings have been left unsaid, and will remain that way. I've got one that I've trusted with such info - the rest are well, outside that circle. I think I might need to dump sometime soon. Or perhaps I can hold out a little bit and see if it wont go to sleep if the things change.

Main Entry: event horizon

Function: noun: the surface of a black hole

: the boundary of a black hole at which the escape velocity equals the speed of light and beyond which nothing can escape from within it

Wonder if I'll skirt past or miscalculate.

Ok these boxes...

...are definately dishes.

That's definately going down into the history books. Right along with quail and chicken. Wonder what tomorrow will hold.

In semi related news and conversations, I found this comment rather funny:

"I hope all of this is going to stay confidential with you" - N
"Oh yeah, he's fine" - S
"I'm the vault" - M
"He's been my sounding board a few times." - S

Among other things. Gonna be a pin cushion soon too. Well, saber cushion. And speaking of sabers, my old fencing coach wrote me last night demanding that I come down to the club and pick my blade up with them again. Can't wait. Maybe I'll put in the order for stuff tomorrow. I do need to see what they can get me, and how much cheaper it will be (20% discount to members on stuff).

Hacky Hacky is so much more fun with a good partner.

5%

Wow, three in one day. I'm a friggen machine. I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle...

Anyway, 5% down - approximately. Not too bad. It's just an estimate of course. There's no telling how long the final product will be - but going by my previous, its really more like 6 point something percent.

Chapters two and three will probably fly right by, authoring wise. They would have already, but I've been stuck on getting a good transition from the opening to where I want her to end up.

*Purge*

Not just an annoying spell, but it seems to work wonders in the real world too. I should probably stop calling it that, as it's kept me quite busy in a good way.

One of the surest ways not to climb a rock face (or tower, or tree, or whatever) is to continually look down. Eye on the goal, one hand / foot at a time. Looking down? Easy enough. Glance up. *Purge* Ah yes, there's my goal. And what loftier, higher goal, exists then the moon? (Don't bother posting something dumb like Mars, this isn't a literal post - or did you miss that? :) )

Its funny how much life experience creeps into the world of fiction - at least for me. Gives characters more flavor I think, and certainly provides a nice back drop to actions, experiences, etc.

More fun when someone says "Is that like...?"
"Yep" (grin)

Finally got my fencing "needs" list down. New jacket, underarm, couple of spare blades (I seem to have managed to break one), new saber, glove... basiscally I need to replace half my stuff. Well, maybe not half, but might as well be.

God I can't wait to fence saber again. Not that I just don't love foil or epee, but there is something uniquely fun about hacky hacky! And yes, the point is faster than the blade - blah blah. I do enjoy the speed I can achieve sticking someone in foil. Saber however, is much faster and much more aggressive. I imagine it also has some practical application in a knife fight. Not that I'd really know...never analyzed my last one. Although I did end up being the one standing in the end. I suppose that's something (and I should note, I was fencing by then for a while too, so who knows?). That however, is another story.

32 F

WTF. Whoever brought this cold weather to *MY* sunshine state owes me. I dont enjoy living down here to weather such weather.

Weekend down...check

Work done...check
Block cleared...check
Application sent...check
Partner in crime...check (almost - but close enough)

Now I just need my moon landing to go off without a hitch. Probably will take a long, long time though. Oh well. God please don't let me kill myself on that one. Or smite me. Smiting is always unpleasant, no matter how you look at it.

I really don't want to be at the Pearly Gates trying to explain my bright idea that went obviously quite wrong (well, obvious should that occur). Or even worse, being there, having the conversation, and being told "Ya know, you almost had it...really. You just forgot to carry the one in this equation right here which would have showed you that you need this right there as well. Maybe next time huh?"

How embarrasing would that be?

A little C4 is all you need sometimes...

It's quite the handy stuff. Not quite as handy as a towel, but it does serve a variety of purposes. You can restore cable service with it, vent frustrations, chop down a tree, or encourage a dam a little. And sometimes those dams just need the tiniest bit of reassurance in order to just totally let go.

What is with all the moon landing?

That's a very good question. But who on earth wouldn't want to go to the moon if the opportunity existed? I suppose some might - those who think its too scary, dangerous, a waste of money, no purpose, etc. And it does take a long time to prep for, but in my humble opinion, its not even an issue of "should" but "how". Course, like I said before, one just has to hope that launch day is both gotten to, and a success.

How can any of the worries compare to the actual thrill of the success? At the top of a 365' tall, 7.5 M pounds of thrust machine being hurled into space can't possibly be matched - and that doesnt even actually count getting to hop around on the moon for however long.

As long as God doesn't consider it as encroaching on His domain too much, and perhaps even throws a blessing or two (hey I can wish) that makes things work smoothly, this should go well.

Or maybe I'm just delusional. Good thing about rocket explosions tho is with all that fuel, it'll be over quick. That should be a selling point to spouses: "Why yes, I may burn up in a crisp in a nice bright fireball - but it's a fast fireball"

Got a crew

Tenative, but it's a start. Thank God. I think I might have gone insane otherwise. Correction: I would have gone insane. Well...at least more so than...hey, do you hear the voices too?

Moon Details

Part of the problem about going to the moon for the very first time, is finding another willing to take the risk that you actually want. And then of course, another on top of that (gotta have a crew). Sure there are all sorts who would say "Yeah I'll go" but they are more than likely, not what you are looking for. It's not like you are just driving down the street.

Then of course, before you and your crew get into this new spiffy vehicle called a rocket, you need to show them with a very high degree of certainty, it will work. Not very many people will strap themselves into a metal contraption with 160 million horsepower under their butts, without knowing its not going vaporize them. Not too mention get them stranded in space, frozen, suffocated, impaled, drowned, burnt, tumbled, so on and so forth. And that takes a lot.

It takes a lot of support from others as well, even if they think you are insane to try, that they won't pull the plug on the project. Governments can be annoying like that. Always shutting down the little guy when he wants to build a rocket and launch it for fun. Safety concerns? Yeah yeah we know all about that. Shut up and let us give this a whirl. Everything else looks good on paper, and our number guys have numbered (like butlers buttle). Probably wouldn't hurt to grease the wheels a little, so to speak.

But now I get a head of myself. Willing crew first. Start there.

Target: Moon

Enormous problem, but doable. Just need to hammer out all the details, because the little things always get you in the end.

Nailed on the final eval

Why am I that surprised? I shouldn't have been, but yet some how I deluded myself enough to think today would be sort of a gimme-day. Ooops :)

"So Megos, I'm a little intriqued why you brought this up now in your final eval, and yet we havent heard anything about it this entire time."

"I guess I figured it was in the past and I didnt want to sort of steal the light from him"

"That's nice and all, but I don't think you are that altruistic. What does it do for you to not speak about it?"

On some level however, it is nice to walk point and let everyone know what it was going to be like after lunch for them as well.

To His Majesty,

I have sworn my allegiance to you, and have fought in this campaign to the best of my abilities. I am indeed forever in debt for to you for the service you have provided me, the truths that I have been shown, and the position you have granted me. I regret to inform you, that I fear that current circumstances threaten my status as your agent. I fear that I am a threat against my men due to matters previously discussed.

While my original mission remains clear, I have heard no word in regards to my other matter which I have sent word on several occasion. I humbly request that my errs be overlooked, and that understanding be granted as I act further. I do not deny full responsibility for my actions. Perhaps ultimately I am rationalizing, and as such, would ask for mercy.

My intentions are not to undermine your will in the North, but my actions are driven forward both in part of my own nature, and because those who I am with, do not understand my plight. As you are well aware, had circumstances been different, and those involved as well, this decision would never have had to be made. Such a choice – now or then as you know – breaks no law set forth in this land.

If I am to be relieved of command, I would at the very least, ask for your assistance in seeing this final matter to its completion. Surely you see the value in at least one aspect.

Your humble servant,
Major Arkos
Executive Officer

Hmmm

Frustrations abound on so many retarded levels.

We come in all sorts

"Its a bit of CYA. Well I guess, Cover Our Ass"
"You just said ass"
"I did" (smile)
"What kind of chaplain are you?"
"The Marine kind"

Perhaps I should have said "We're covering our ass so you don't do some stupid shit and fuck all this up"

I always have so much to say.

I've been working on my final eval and its going quite well. Technically I suppose I've finished, but I have yet to even go back and edit it once, and as such, I know I could double its length without any real trouble. I do have to wrap it up relatively soon, as it is due by noon on this Sunday, and starting tomorrow, I'm not going to work on it at all (I'm not going to even delude myself into thinking I might). So that basically leaves 6 hours from right now to have it finished and ready to be sent out.

I don't know why I' m still amazed that I'm amazed at people. They are always doing dumb things, or saying/doing things that are just mind boggling.

Something typical:
"Do you see a pattern here?"
"What do you mean?"
"What usually happens..."
"Things go to crap" or "I do this..."
"What makes this different then?"
(pause) "Well I can try"

Usually at this point I'd like to beat them over the head. People are free to make bad choices in the end. The Lord certainly knows I have - and I suppose it is only by His grace I'm still here. By now, I would think I would just say to myself "It'll never stop" but yet, at some level, I always think I've seen it all once X happens. What's even odder (or not so odd) are the ones that manage to convince themselves of a certain course of action, know they are rationalizing, but go ahead and do it anyway. Self-destructive behavior I guess is the proper term - and it knows no bounds. "This will not end good" you can say, and point it out very plainly why, but sadly, it usually doesn't make much of a difference.

It reminds me of the people I'd watch playing the roulette table. All sorts of devious strategies and betting formulas are devised, thinking that they will be different. They truly have the edge that no one else does. Try as you might, and explain to them what random really means, what probability does in the long run, and they will still be convinced that if they play just a little longer, and bet all their money on a certain number, it's just bound to come up.

The House wins, always. Casinos are not in buisness to hand out money, despite how many pictures you see hanging on their walls suggesting otherwise. There's a reason why Trump runs casinos instead of plays in them.

Choices have consequences - good or bad.

Wishing for pikes doesn't stop the horses.

Two left...

Two days that is, and a double at that. That being, tonight is the second to last night for me for my clinicals. I do need to finish up the paper work for being on the pool chaplain list until the residency - so its not really an end, just a pause.

I am however working on my final evaluation. What exactly have I learned? Someone who is quite possibly the craziest I know, knows me the best. Something I was probably already knew given some thought, but certainly has been brought to the forefront. I can think of a few others that come somewhat close, but they are indeed in the dark about somethings - and will remain that way I suppose. Everyone needs someone like that. Its even more fun - in a sense - when the you fil that need for them as well.

I marvel that such a person is still here, alive and well - and mine (in a sense).
I marvel that no other that I can think of, has been the direct cause of so much intense pain, and yet the apology I felt was unwarranted, not needed, but of course, accepted.
I marvel at the things I've done, and things to come.

I've also come to the conclusion that everyone should do a CPE course. However, realistically I know not everyone can. Not just because there are certain credentials that need to be met first - but because people aren't ready for it (I have no idea the percentage, but I imagine it would be a lot, if not the vast majority). People should be exposed in a sense, to some of the darkest of despairs - true feelings of hopelessness and anguuish. People should know what its like to sit with another in those times and provide at the very least, a presence. This by no means cheapens one's own experiences, aches, wounds, and feelings, but it certainly causes one to reflect and identify.

And this is were the real problem lies for most I think. I could never have guessed just how brutally honest one must be in both this training and profession; that honesty must be directed at yourself. This concept is far easier said then done. One can easily shy away from painful memories, faults, flaws, and the like, and simply go through the motions. Peers, supervisors and such may even pick up on the dodging if you will, but they cannot make the one skriting the issue face it head on. As it was said, "You've got to want it."

You've got to want to be a chaplain. And that want has to trump the want shield pain away. Again, I've found that much easier said then truly done.

Time to get dressed.