Two left...

Two days that is, and a double at that. That being, tonight is the second to last night for me for my clinicals. I do need to finish up the paper work for being on the pool chaplain list until the residency - so its not really an end, just a pause.

I am however working on my final evaluation. What exactly have I learned? Someone who is quite possibly the craziest I know, knows me the best. Something I was probably already knew given some thought, but certainly has been brought to the forefront. I can think of a few others that come somewhat close, but they are indeed in the dark about somethings - and will remain that way I suppose. Everyone needs someone like that. Its even more fun - in a sense - when the you fil that need for them as well.

I marvel that such a person is still here, alive and well - and mine (in a sense).
I marvel that no other that I can think of, has been the direct cause of so much intense pain, and yet the apology I felt was unwarranted, not needed, but of course, accepted.
I marvel at the things I've done, and things to come.

I've also come to the conclusion that everyone should do a CPE course. However, realistically I know not everyone can. Not just because there are certain credentials that need to be met first - but because people aren't ready for it (I have no idea the percentage, but I imagine it would be a lot, if not the vast majority). People should be exposed in a sense, to some of the darkest of despairs - true feelings of hopelessness and anguuish. People should know what its like to sit with another in those times and provide at the very least, a presence. This by no means cheapens one's own experiences, aches, wounds, and feelings, but it certainly causes one to reflect and identify.

And this is were the real problem lies for most I think. I could never have guessed just how brutally honest one must be in both this training and profession; that honesty must be directed at yourself. This concept is far easier said then done. One can easily shy away from painful memories, faults, flaws, and the like, and simply go through the motions. Peers, supervisors and such may even pick up on the dodging if you will, but they cannot make the one skriting the issue face it head on. As it was said, "You've got to want it."

You've got to want to be a chaplain. And that want has to trump the want shield pain away. Again, I've found that much easier said then truly done.

Time to get dressed.